oo oo a long one

Ahh... another fine evening of studying. I like it. Having really good grades is a nice thing.... Ok, all geekiness aside, things are going pretty well. Yes, still sitting here in bed on my laptop... like that would ever change.. HAHA. Oh.. but all in all, I’ve been keeping busy.

School has been occupying quite a lot of my time... more so than I had thought. Not saying that is bad but that it is a little exhausting. Some of the stuff is just neater than shit... and some of it is like... OK? I know all of it has purpose, but really, I could care less about some things that I know will not apply. BUT... this is me we are talking about... I did switch majors 3 times... learning things that don’t apply is my specialty. I would say I am a student of many and master of none... but luckily I am a master of many as well. It’s hard to pick one thing when you are good at quite a few. That is a bad thing sometimes. EE is good enough to keep me going... may have to get that Robotics bachelors as well to keep me from being bored... need something to play with anyhow.

I also did a free writing exercise in my comp class. It’s basically like my essays that I write for myself in my encrypted OneNote files. I like posting here, but to be able to truly let loose with what is going on in my life... and only be visible to me... That is nice... That and I can add pictures, video and sounds to them... like voice memos of my activities and all. Neat shit.

And, I did feel like I helped someone again today. For much less than the cost of a new computer I built one for a customer. I felt bad that so much had gone wrong with his system, but that stuff happens. He had to buy the parts and bring them in, but sometime tomorrow he should be able to pick up a new powerhouse for really cheap. I like seeing people’s faces when I help them. The only thing that gives me a better feeling than when I help people and they really appreciate it is that look you can give your girlfriend/lover. The “I’m happy to be with you look.” And not have to say a word. That is what in life is better. That is what I miss most being single. I’ve had fun and I’ve enjoyed life. But not how I have before and not how I want to. It’s a catch 22 for me... balancing the natural wants of wanting someone there regardless and my heart... wanting something more than once or twice and then a disappearing act...  Like I said... it fits a need. Enjoyment is there too. Sometimes I wonder if I am too picky. Sometimes I wonder if I am not picky enough. I’m not out looking for a wife. I’m looking for someone what could change my mind. I’m looking for someone that I can enjoy being with in the little free time I have. A woman that I look forward to getting the free time to see. A woman that I can be happy to just sit and look at. Yes, it sounds sappy, but it’s me and it’s real. I know that two relationships are never the same. I just want something that resembles it. To be able to do nothing but sit, in silence... comfortably... and be happy – not content, but actually happy.

So many people look at being single as this great escapade of wild partying and sex. Yeah, for a lot of people that’s all it is. To each their own. Statistically I will find at least 16 women in Indianapolis that I would be perfectly happy with... the search begins... *wink* In a seriousness, there are a million women here and I’m a pretty decent looking guy... I know my personality is better than most, and my heart is better than near all. Why is it hard for me to find someone? I don’t know... I think being at a school with almost all guys is a large part of it. Where I work there are lots of cute little girls. I know it’s hypocritical of me to say I can’t date them because I work with them. My dad met my mom where he worked. I have a fear of rejection like everyone else. That said... my fear of rejection in a business environment is nil... I can hear no 100 times and not faze me. The fear that does affect me is that I am afraid of making a mistake or failing. I know that I will not fail. In a work environment I fear that I make a mistake. What if the girl I ask has a bf or some other attachment? Other girls they know automatically know that I’m a schmuck through association. Worse than that, what if the girl I talk to ends up being a twit... stop talking to her... now I’m a dick in ALL their eyes. I shouldn’t worry about these things, but I do. I’m romantic, and an idealist... yet there are some cynic and realist attributes in me. Wow... I guess I wrote a bunch. I have been doing that a lot recently. Guess I will have to post more often.