No, my dog didn't die...

After a day of getting the “what’s wrong did your dog die?” question upon seeing me, things are improving... little by little. General consensus is that people hate seeing me like this. Big surprise there. It is funny to hear everyone else’s experiences and advice. All leads back to the same place though. The common answer is for me to find someone. Duh. But the method of that is what I thought was funny.

Most of the conversations led to me continuing to be myself, even though I seem to get hurt more often than not. A few people noticed that I was still happier than normal having meaningless empty relations...and so I should go out and get whatever comes. Not just take what’s laying around, but actively go out and get what I want, whether anything more than a week will come of it or not.

My thoughts are that I really enjoyed being myself until the end, and then I didn’t like it so much. After actually thinking about it, I was able to be myself and be happy until breaking up with my last real girlfriend, of 3 and a half years, in 2003. Since then, being honest and caring and who I really am and happy being don’t work. Just when I thought it was... had a little hope... gave it a chance... *BOOM* ... a landmine took my legs out. SOOO back to the ‘drawing board’ on that idea. I can be a shit like other guys and fill the void with something just as empty but does that really get me anywhere? According to my friends it does. I guess I really am the Loverboy type... happy as long as I have something, whether it is real or not. I know I match on the “if it gets bored or I am not getting what I need from it I am gone”... and I have never said otherwise regarding that.

My heart says I should be my true self. The person that everyone likes. The one they asked to date daughters, sisters and friends. How many guys do you know that the ex-husband wishes would go with their ex? Some people just don’t want to be treated with care and love. Some do. I need to find one that does, and is not afraid to give something some time. Maybe even a month... I don’t know... scary thought I know – giving something a chance.  Blows my mind...

Anyway, I give the whole being myself thing about 3 months realistically... get bashed around a couple more times and then I will just be the me I don’t like to talk about. I will make the dicks out there look like saints. I will get what I want and what matter is it to me if I hurt people along the way, as long as *I* get what I want right? But what if that is not what I want? Well then, you have to break a few eggs/hearts to make an omelet so their pain is justified right? I’ll just make my path as I go and concern myself with me... oh wait, that’s the me I DON’T like. Starting already. See what happens. And people wonder what happened to all the good men. They got thrashed too many times. Evolution, either adapt or die.