Makes sense...

Fucking shit...I know it is my own fault for opening up and caring. Me being hurt is because I did what I told myself not to do, open up and care. I thought it would be different; I thought I would give things one more try. I have given too many ‘one more tries.’ The ability of me to say my thoughts online is like some sort of sick therapy. I don’t even know if the person I want to read this will or not. I wouldn’t be surprised either way. You have to love it when emotional pain turns to physical pain. ..ow.. This is why I learned to turn off who I am. Who I am cares...often too much and too soon. Who I am cries. Who I am hurts. A person I care deeply about wants me to be something that is super special to them and what do I do?? I cry in pain and sadness, because of a different viewpoint. Life was simpler being an asshole, but I didn’t like it. Being myself, life is much more livable, but I hate it. It is frosted in pain with light blue sprinkles of happiness here and there just to keep me going. And it’s my bad, because when I am not myself sure I get whatever I want, but I really don’t. I get what I want then. What do I get when I am myself?? Hurt... by everyone. People that said they loved me and wanted to get married... I am myself and what do they do? They accuse me of doing the last thing I would ever do, and they never let go of it. Be myself, what do I get? Someone that disappears because they like me too much and the only way they can feel more at ease is to sever ties for a while and see if they like me less later. Be myself what now? Sadness because I had a different view of things. Yes I want to be friends. Fucking shit I HATE this feeling. This would be much easier if I could find a reason to blame myself, and I am still looking. The only thing I did wrong is open my heart enough for someone to get in for a little bit. Yes yes... poor poor me. What a line of shit I write. I realized I am acting like this little blue dirtball revolves around me. I know it doesn’t so I don’t want to hear it. I LOVE the fact I am getting the ‘I told you so’ voice in my head and that it was me saying it to myself. Well, what do you expect? You can only get hurt if you open yourself up. WRONG. If I don’t open up I hurt, if I do I get hurt too. Does one hurt more? No, only by who it was that I hurt over. Getting back onto the whole poor me thing. So what. I feel like shit, I can say that, I can mean it, and it’s America, I can feel like shit if I want to. The only thing I can really say is my fault is that I tried. For me, what I found was really something, whether that person believes that or not, she really is more than that average girl. I actually had hope. Hope that I may have found a person that I could be happy with. I was obviously deluding myself. Who can have a working relationship 3 hours away? Actually, many people I know can. Except me. So it seems.. But I should have stopped and thought, what could come of a couple time a month relationship? From my experience: several happy families. But that is mine, and if you are still reading this, not shared mutually. While I really feel no better no than when I started this, I have stopped crying...or not. Spoke too soon again. There I go hoping... anyway, back to the ol grind I guess. Of course I will HOPE for a change of heart... heart is not the right word. Change in decision I guess, or I guess more selfishly an I‘m wrong and sorry. But I’m not going to hold my breath on that. I have better odds of winning the lotto and I don’t play...if that says anything. I know after this any chances I did have are surely gone, but I am BEING ME. And ME IS HURT. So there it is. I am happy for what I did have. It was nice to be happy again for a little while anyway. I know you don’t know me, but the fact I am truly upset, not in any game playing or hypocritical fashion. I really fucking hurt. It means a great deal. It may not to you but for me to be hurt like this...well it’s only happened twice before. Third times the charm I guess. Isn’t it supposed to get easier by now? Of course not, its me were talking about...wait wait, going back to poor me again. MY BAD.

Crying time...fuck.

Read these for your enjoyment and while not my words or my work, they do an excellent job of saying what I feel to a point. Beat yourself in the chest about 20 times. Then read. Now you know what I feel.

If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that Is left is a compromise.
Robert Fritz

Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.
Ovid (43 BC - 17 AD)

Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.
Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)

He that lives upon hope will die fasting.
Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for.
Epicurus (341 BC - 270 BC)