...

Yeah... it’s been a minute since I last posted something. I’ve been really busy with work, school, and holiday time.

Concert

Yep... going to see my friend’s band play. They’re really good, and there are a couple other bands playing as well, like Wonderdrug and Broken Stone. It’s also for charity, benefiting the Riley Children’s Hospital. As weird as this may sound... this is also the first time I will have gone out without any friends. I mean Ryan from Wasted Days will be there, but other than him... and he will be playing... I won’t know anyone. Should be interesting to say the least...

You Have A Type A- Personality

A- You are one of the most balanced people around Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you. When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love! You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

SpicePad

Wow... www.SpicePad.com ... it’s pretty good fun. Oh and I appears I’m pretty good looking. That’s neat :-)

...

When I'm trusting and being myself... everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously.
    -Shakti Gawain

We have been taught to believe that negative equals realistic and positive equals unrealistic.
    -Susan Jeffers

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something.
    -Wilson Mizner (1876 - 1933)

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to my friend Chris... the big 40... congrats you’re still here!



and in other news... I realized that apparently *SOME* electric shaver/trimmers have to be charged for 10 hours before use. They don’t even send a partial charge anymore... BLATANT COMMUNISM. That’s what I say... It used to be you could luck into one with a good charge... good ol Democracy... luck of the people... BUT NOOOO..... now EVERYONE has to get an empty battery. Pinkos!

Ahhh... at least I’m getting back to myself. Rained all day and night, poor Akira just wants to be able to lie outside but every time she does it starts raining again. Looks like I’m picking Shika up from school today. Chris is getting a checkup. I hope his heart is ok.

Oh oh, is that the SUN peeking through!?!? IT IS!! Excellent. Well, off to wash and shave... with my Mach3... grr damn battery trimmer. Oh and I am very fortunate to only be working 5 hours tonight. Not too bad... just weird going to work at 1730. I’m still not quite used to this whole random schedule thing. And I have to be at work at 0330 the day after Thanksgiving. How much of a pain in the balls is that?? A really uncomfortable pain... like a pinch, but only on one side...

wow

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
  - Ellen Goodman

Fucking Shit...

What an eventful evening...

One of my best friends from school is going through something terrible. I don’t know exactly what but I think I know. He up and walked out of class tonight before our final. He can do it online before Sunday, but I worry that his heart is blocking his mind. It happens to the best of us *cough*. I called him at home and his cell and no answer, I just hope things work out or he will be ok. I hate seeing my friends like that. Pretty fucking messed up.

After that I took my exam. It’s work 30% of my grade, so it wasn’t something to be taken too lightly. I screwed up and got a 93.3%. With that it drops me to a 96.25% in my math class. Yes yes... I *do* realize that is a BAD score for me. I will try better next semester with more calculus... Woohoo!

And I talked with a friend tonight for a while. I really enjoy talking with her and miss her like crazy. I did have to apologize for being a dick and a shit recently. I haven’t been quite my normal sweet self. Still no right for me to treat someone that I DO care about and DO like as if that person were just another person that meant nothing to me.  

Now I get to have some rest... dream some beautiful dreams, and fix others to be beautiful.

Geeks

Oh, and today my GeekSquad was rated 8th in the nation. That’s a lot of geeks to be beating. Yes, some of us are really that good. Some of us not so good, but hey, we need those too.

...

Wow... It’s like 0130 and I just woke up. You gotta love it when your body goes into goofball sleep mode. I fell asleep like 9 something... 10 something. I figured having to be up at 0515 to go to work that my body would make it through. My body had other plans! Oh well. I guess it’s alright. My body was crunching away on my fat it appears... you weigh less in the morning and I just checked and I’m down to 175. Not too shabby. I really *shouldn’t* lose much more weight... that may not be good. If I can stay around this and get my six pack back I will be even cuter and that wouldn’t be bad. That said, I think attitude and confidence is more likely the most important part, but when you are in a looks first situation it would be nice to pull up my shirt again and have a nice defined belly. Fun fun. Time to see if I can get any more sleep or if it’s zombie time!

...

Well well well... I guess there is another birthday at work... and with birthdays come parties. I was probably out selling a service when he stopped by to say something, but there is a party Friday after work. I found out from the same cute blonde that looks like my ex that told me about the last party. I think I will go. She’s friendly, cute and has a good sense of humor so if nothing else I’ll talk to her.

Ooo ooo I also had a very nice looking woman come in and need some work done to her computer... almost said system, but I know some of you would have taken that the wrong way! Anywho, she is giving out that bedroom eye look and what do I see when I turn on the computer? A picture of her and the ‘rents with a wedding dress on... no ring, but it may be on order. The area I work in has quite a few people that can afford to custom order rocks that would blind you. All in all another good day. I’m *really* hungry though. Guess I should eat sometime today.

...

Isn’t it funny... I stayed in tonight because I have to work early in the morning. What did I do? I ended up cooking part of dinner, then watching Fight Club, and then taking to friends and guess what? It’s after 1 and I’m not in bed. Next time I’ll just have to go out... but at least I am going to bed at 1 or so... if I went out, I may not have gone to bed at all. Nah, it was good I was good tonight. I’ll make up for it down the road!

Moving on up...

Yeah, so things are going better. The nice thing about looking at women is you realize when they are looking back. That’s a nice feeling. Well, when they give you a good look. That “you ate the last piece of pie” look is NOT my favorite. So... I got a nice wink from a girl at school yesterday... and possibly a nice little look from a very nice looking girl at work, but I don’t read into those looks... not unless I catch a solid look, like the wink. One thing that I do find funny is that while gender views have basically melded into a guys and girls can do the same thing and it’s ok... which is good for all of us, I think it is pretty ironic that it is still kinda not kosher for a girl to ask out a guy. Maybe if I was some sexy stud that would change, but I am not aware of that happening to them frequently either. That has to be taken with the disclaimer that women that, while I am sure are great people, are not the most attractive happen to approach guys fairly frequently. I do have to admit that I am superficial when it comes to being anything more than just friends. There has to be attraction for there to be more than that. That being said, there are SO many different things that are attractive, it’s not something that can be listed out. Well it can but it is not time productive. If you are that worried about being attractive to someone you need to just walk up and say hi, worst thing that will happen is they will say no. You have to give it a shot. You don’t need to sell yourself, keeping going when you hear no each time, but you can’t give up after one no. Unfortunately there are a lot of men and women out there that will say something or ask something not looking for a real answer but to see a reaction, like a test. If someone is more interested in testing you than having a real conversation save some time and move on. Life is too short to play high school games with adults.

No, my dog didn't die...

After a day of getting the “what’s wrong did your dog die?” question upon seeing me, things are improving... little by little. General consensus is that people hate seeing me like this. Big surprise there. It is funny to hear everyone else’s experiences and advice. All leads back to the same place though. The common answer is for me to find someone. Duh. But the method of that is what I thought was funny.

Most of the conversations led to me continuing to be myself, even though I seem to get hurt more often than not. A few people noticed that I was still happier than normal having meaningless empty relations...and so I should go out and get whatever comes. Not just take what’s laying around, but actively go out and get what I want, whether anything more than a week will come of it or not.

My thoughts are that I really enjoyed being myself until the end, and then I didn’t like it so much. After actually thinking about it, I was able to be myself and be happy until breaking up with my last real girlfriend, of 3 and a half years, in 2003. Since then, being honest and caring and who I really am and happy being don’t work. Just when I thought it was... had a little hope... gave it a chance... *BOOM* ... a landmine took my legs out. SOOO back to the ‘drawing board’ on that idea. I can be a shit like other guys and fill the void with something just as empty but does that really get me anywhere? According to my friends it does. I guess I really am the Loverboy type... happy as long as I have something, whether it is real or not. I know I match on the “if it gets bored or I am not getting what I need from it I am gone”... and I have never said otherwise regarding that.

My heart says I should be my true self. The person that everyone likes. The one they asked to date daughters, sisters and friends. How many guys do you know that the ex-husband wishes would go with their ex? Some people just don’t want to be treated with care and love. Some do. I need to find one that does, and is not afraid to give something some time. Maybe even a month... I don’t know... scary thought I know – giving something a chance.  Blows my mind...

Anyway, I give the whole being myself thing about 3 months realistically... get bashed around a couple more times and then I will just be the me I don’t like to talk about. I will make the dicks out there look like saints. I will get what I want and what matter is it to me if I hurt people along the way, as long as *I* get what I want right? But what if that is not what I want? Well then, you have to break a few eggs/hearts to make an omelet so their pain is justified right? I’ll just make my path as I go and concern myself with me... oh wait, that’s the me I DON’T like. Starting already. See what happens. And people wonder what happened to all the good men. They got thrashed too many times. Evolution, either adapt or die.

...

Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult
Anonymous

I dont miss her, I miss who I thought she was
Anonymous .... but I do miss her

If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.
Anonymous

You don't die from a broken heart - you only wish you did.
Anonymous

Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours.
Anonymous

...

All the times that I’ve cried
All this wastin
It’s all inside
And I feel... all this pain
Stuffed it down
It’s back again
And I lie here in bed
All alone
I can’t mend... and I feel
Tomorrow will be okay
     -Staind, Outside


It’s been a while
Since I could say
I loved myself as well and...
It’s been a while
Since I’ve gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do
It’s been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when I’m with you


And everything I can remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
Consequences that I’ve rendered
Gone and fucked things up again... again


Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day
But then I go and fuck things up again

-Staind, It's Been A While

Makes sense...

Fucking shit...I know it is my own fault for opening up and caring. Me being hurt is because I did what I told myself not to do, open up and care. I thought it would be different; I thought I would give things one more try. I have given too many ‘one more tries.’ The ability of me to say my thoughts online is like some sort of sick therapy. I don’t even know if the person I want to read this will or not. I wouldn’t be surprised either way. You have to love it when emotional pain turns to physical pain. ..ow.. This is why I learned to turn off who I am. Who I am cares...often too much and too soon. Who I am cries. Who I am hurts. A person I care deeply about wants me to be something that is super special to them and what do I do?? I cry in pain and sadness, because of a different viewpoint. Life was simpler being an asshole, but I didn’t like it. Being myself, life is much more livable, but I hate it. It is frosted in pain with light blue sprinkles of happiness here and there just to keep me going. And it’s my bad, because when I am not myself sure I get whatever I want, but I really don’t. I get what I want then. What do I get when I am myself?? Hurt... by everyone. People that said they loved me and wanted to get married... I am myself and what do they do? They accuse me of doing the last thing I would ever do, and they never let go of it. Be myself, what do I get? Someone that disappears because they like me too much and the only way they can feel more at ease is to sever ties for a while and see if they like me less later. Be myself what now? Sadness because I had a different view of things. Yes I want to be friends. Fucking shit I HATE this feeling. This would be much easier if I could find a reason to blame myself, and I am still looking. The only thing I did wrong is open my heart enough for someone to get in for a little bit. Yes yes... poor poor me. What a line of shit I write. I realized I am acting like this little blue dirtball revolves around me. I know it doesn’t so I don’t want to hear it. I LOVE the fact I am getting the ‘I told you so’ voice in my head and that it was me saying it to myself. Well, what do you expect? You can only get hurt if you open yourself up. WRONG. If I don’t open up I hurt, if I do I get hurt too. Does one hurt more? No, only by who it was that I hurt over. Getting back onto the whole poor me thing. So what. I feel like shit, I can say that, I can mean it, and it’s America, I can feel like shit if I want to. The only thing I can really say is my fault is that I tried. For me, what I found was really something, whether that person believes that or not, she really is more than that average girl. I actually had hope. Hope that I may have found a person that I could be happy with. I was obviously deluding myself. Who can have a working relationship 3 hours away? Actually, many people I know can. Except me. So it seems.. But I should have stopped and thought, what could come of a couple time a month relationship? From my experience: several happy families. But that is mine, and if you are still reading this, not shared mutually. While I really feel no better no than when I started this, I have stopped crying...or not. Spoke too soon again. There I go hoping... anyway, back to the ol grind I guess. Of course I will HOPE for a change of heart... heart is not the right word. Change in decision I guess, or I guess more selfishly an I‘m wrong and sorry. But I’m not going to hold my breath on that. I have better odds of winning the lotto and I don’t play...if that says anything. I know after this any chances I did have are surely gone, but I am BEING ME. And ME IS HURT. So there it is. I am happy for what I did have. It was nice to be happy again for a little while anyway. I know you don’t know me, but the fact I am truly upset, not in any game playing or hypocritical fashion. I really fucking hurt. It means a great deal. It may not to you but for me to be hurt like this...well it’s only happened twice before. Third times the charm I guess. Isn’t it supposed to get easier by now? Of course not, its me were talking about...wait wait, going back to poor me again. MY BAD.

Crying time...fuck.

Read these for your enjoyment and while not my words or my work, they do an excellent job of saying what I feel to a point. Beat yourself in the chest about 20 times. Then read. Now you know what I feel.

If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that Is left is a compromise.
Robert Fritz

Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.
Ovid (43 BC - 17 AD)

Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.
Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)

He that lives upon hope will die fasting.
Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for.
Epicurus (341 BC - 270 BC)

Fun and exciting...

…well… went to the doctor and did a bunch of tests… we’ll see what develops on that.

Meanwhile, back at the range, not knowing the Lone Ranger was disguised as the pool table, Granny walked up and racked his balls…

…which brings me to my next point, Don’t Do Drugs!

… and my next question… is it really better to be honest and open with people, or to play games… honest and open is good right? Yes… but not fun, exciting or interest keeping… I hate all the unwritten rules of the world.

Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there.

• EH Gombrich

Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.

• Alan Watts

The Loverboy Random Gentle Love Master (RGLMm) Well-liked. Well-established. You are The Loverboy. Loverboys thrive in committed, steady relationships--as opposed to, say, Playboys, who want sex without too much attachment. You've had many relationships and nearly all of them have been successful. You're a nice guy, you know the ropes, and even if you can be a little hasty with decisions, most girls think of you as a total catch. Your hastiness comes off as spontaneity most of the time anyhow, making you especially popular in your circle of friends, too. You know not to make the typical Loverboy mistake of choosing someone who appreciates your good humor and popularity, but who offers nothing in return. You belong with someone outgoing, independent, and creative. Otherwise, you'll get bored. And then instead of surprising her with flowers or a practical joke, you'll surprise her by leaving. ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph CONSIDER: The Window Shopper, The Peach

...

As I watched… the clock struck the beginning of a new day. A new adventure awaits… what will today bring?

I felt like poisoning a monk.
  - Umberto Eco

In a mad world only the mad are sane.
  - Akira Kurosawa

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
  - HL Mencken   …. (damn, they caught me!)

The saying goes...

You know... they have always said... once you go black you never go back!


I KNOW I KNOW... bad... naughty... lame... but true! 

Sunday Sunday Sunday!!!

Wow… I guess those storms last night did tear some stuff up. A bit south from here there were 15 dead and 160 wounded, per CNN. Today it’s just gloomy looking and chilly. Well I guess I *could* turn on the heat… but that would be too easy, so I’ll just put on a sweatshirt and cuddle up here on my bed.

The acquired version of the Sims from the weekend, seems to work… although I must test this further… hehe.

Beyond that I am feeling a good deal better; I don’t know why I was so tired.

Jarhead review...

Caught somewhere between too much rest and not enough… I am still awake. I read a review of “Jarhead,” a movie that I was very interested in seeing. Now I am not so sure… but then again, critics have always left much to be desired in the lines of taste. Actually, listening to the depiction of the movie I think I would like it, just on the point of there being so much about the people and not so much on the war. “Three Kings” is a great movie… wish I had it, but anyway, yes, if I want Desert Storm era fighting, that is defiantly the movie to watch, with a good story also. But from the director of “American Beauty” the message that the critic wasn’t sure was made, was PROBABLY the one that was. We take our young sons and daughters and train them to kill… to protect us... I wanted to but the world had other things in mind for me… yet we send our sons and daughters with all of their training, want, and preparedness to SIT AND WAIT… no shooting… no killing… it’s a wonder we have lasted so long. Mind you, in THIS Iraq “war” which is still more of a policing action, we have actually let our boys and girls shoot some people. Bout time… at least we have learned SOME lessons.

Anyway… I still want to see the movie… maybe with a certain someone… “oh how romantic, a war movie without a war… awww” hehehe… my brain rambles on… and on… and on…

...foood...

As I sit here... brain drained... tired... and hungry... I thought I would attempt to post up a photo using Picasa2... seems to be very nice to work with. 

Blogasm...that sounds gross...

And yes… I do have 3 blogs of virtually the same information. Yes, one could say it is redundant. But each one has nice things about it… like putting up pictures in Blogspot or Wordpress compared to LiveJournal. I know, I know… pictures and polls are on LJ too… I just have money priorities right now… although that permanent account thing… I would have been ALL ABOUT THAT… that’s me… a day late… a dollar short… sometimes.

http://gixxerdave.blogspot.com
http://alstaregixxer.wordpress.com
http://www.livejournal.com/users/alstaregixxer
http://www.myspace.com <-- Check out for pictures…

Hmm..3.30 in the morning...

Well, talk about an eventful day… woke up feeling puny, so no meeting, no working… but didn’t even get all my do-at-home stuff done! I just woke up… geez. I did get some things done. Only thing I wanted to do for sure was talk to my baby… and I did so that made the day worthwhile right there.

I did get a couple things done too like update my schedule and do some laundry… although not enough. I did some of my PC Tech homework, but didn’t finish it yet. I didn’t even get started on cleaning my room and my bed… well it still needs to be inflated back to full volume… although it is nice having that bug in a rug feeling… not so hot on the back.

It’s storming like a banshee out there… surprised we still have power. I fell asleep this afternoon and no one had put Akira in her house, so I went out 10 minutes ago and found her huddling in the back of it soaking wet… it’s raining sideways so having both doors in the front open left her no protection inside… at least now she is out of the rain… poor thing.

I’m debating trying to squeeze in a nap for a couple hours… after that much sleep one would think I would be wide awake… but I am still tired.

I miss my baby… which makes me a little sad and lonely… but I am SO HAPPY that I have someone that I want to miss… *big smile*

New...

This is a new blog... over the next day or so I should have my Wordpress/LiveJournal merged with this one...

Actually... after thinking about it, I will NOT be merging the info over for things previous to what is here now... but I WILL be keeping the three up to date.

bed time yet?!?

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires. And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek. You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships. It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

I should be sleeping... crap

You Are A Romantic Realist

You are more romantic than 50% of the population. You tend to be grounded when it comes to romance. Sure, you can fall hard... but only for someone you've gotten to know. And once you're in love, you can be a total romantic goofball... But you'd never admit it to your friends!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

Home Again...

OW OW OW Pins and needles... that's what I get for sitting on my foot.
After an AMAZING day and a half I am home... alone... again... I had such a great time that I hated going home, but you have to do things like go to school and work, so it had to be done. Still, I wish I could have just stayed. Doesn't work like that though.I still worry the "what if's"... what COULD happen. Well, I can't let that squeeze into my mind... nothing good comes of it. She makes me happy, being with her makes me happier, and making her happy (I hope) makes me happier yet. I hope that, wishing things continue as they are, I may be able to spend some of my winter break there... maybe if I promise to be good, she'll let me. *Crosses Fingers*
To get a pearl you must open an oyster... to open an oyster you have to take the knife and split it open... you may cut yourself in the process... but you have to take the chance.
So... cut or no, I look forward to seeing what unfolds. And don't forget, if you catch a Musky, you can't let go... finding one is like winning the lotto.
To avoid situations in which you might make mistakes may be the biggest mistake of all.
- Peter McWilliams
Perhaps the feelings that we experience when we are in love represent a normal state. Being in love shows a person who he should be.
- Anton Chekhov (1860 - 1904)

Time to go! TIme to go!

I have to go to school... but I thought I would put up a couple little things I had talked about last night with a certain someone.

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern.
- Lord Acton

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction."
- Blaise Pascal - (I know... i thought it was Nietzsche, my bad :-) )

Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.
- GK Chesterton

And, last but not least,

The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.
- Voltaire

Quick one...

I thought I would post a quick note here - take a break from my DC homework as I wait for my laundry. I have to be at work in 5 hours. BUT I am really looking forward to a nice little trip after work to visit someone. It makes me happy. Ok, back to the wash and series parallel circuits!